A classic post...
Planning for the fall football season in the South is
radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football
trip South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the
front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,
waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -
that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000
people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia
Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus,
make a large financial contribution and put name on a
waiting list for
tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to
the game,
because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't
want to
See the few hung over students that might actually make
it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens
the campus
For game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the
weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on
Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN
on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast,
and Rushes over to
where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on
camera and wave to the
idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
Broadcast from their
campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it,
listening to
Local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at
dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews'
Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it,
you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day
it becomes the
state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top
with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home
team's mascot on it,
filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough
room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than
half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break
his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break
his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
song, with a tear in
his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while
somebody goes to the
nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning
begins for next week's
game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to
the
Glories of Southern football!
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